life

Unraveling

Wowwwwwwwww guys, do I have an update for you!!! I am literally so stunned and excited right now, I almost can’t find the right words to type. There have been so many changes in so short of a time frame, I almost can’t keep up with all of them!

~*~ ~*~ Drumroll please ~*~ ~*~

I have decided to re-join my old business and mentorship association!!! I am literally so excited.

You may be wondering how on earth this occurred. This past March (only ~4 months ago), I left the program and I swore I would never go back. I was so sure of myself and it was definitely the right decision at the time.

Since I quit, I went a completely different direction in terms of my businesses and looked for different ways of building wealth and personal accomplishment that would suit me better. I took online courses in content marketing and holistic healing, as well as joined new groups, and met a lot of wonderful new people with mutual goals and interests.

Furthermore, I spent a great deal of time unraveling all the confusion I had about my old business, new business, and current business. I sat down and really thought through what I wanted to accomplish, what I wanted my life to be like, and how I wanted to spend my time in my future. I started writing my first online course and was very excited about it!

Not only did I unravel the confusion about my businesses, or so I thought, but I also unraveled the confusion about me, what I believed in, and what I wanted my current lifestyle to be. I tried to remember who I was before I had changed myself so drastically and then tried to go back to being that person (“you used to come here and eat toast.” – Sophie Kinsella).

I tried to remember what I had thought was fun, so I remembered a few things that I used to do and did those. I went back to watching some TV shows (Pretty Little Liars: The Perfectionists), some movies (all of my romantic comedies), and trashy romance novels (some unread on the shelf, some favorites). I started listening to songs on the radio and on Youtube. I even added a “fun” budget so that I could go out for dinner if I wanted to, or see friends if I wanted to, or go out and see a show if I wanted to. I gave myself permission to travel, get hot stone massages, go out for drinks, and cheat on my vegan/gluten free diet to satisfy my sweet tooth.

At first, I enjoyed it, but almost as soon as it started, my enjoyment quickly began to dissipate. I found that I wasn’t being replenished or recharged in my energy from doing any of those things, and that I didn’t particularly enjoy them anymore. Yet, at the same time, I didn’t really know what I wanted to do instead. So I would just do them, not really having fun, but not knowing what else was fun either.

In the midst of all this unraveling, and learning to be my old self again, I was also doing quite a bit of deep healing. This past December, I learned that I was sexually abused as a 4-year old. I had repressed the memory of it, but at that point I had started to remember it and recover the memory.

This was by far the most terrifying experience of my entire life. Imagine that you’re just going about your day, when suddenly your mind intrudes and attacks you with images of a repressed memory of that nature.

It became all I could think about and focus on. My relationships suffered. My relationship with my mentor, in particular, took the hit. He was the only one who wanted to be there for me during that time.

To be fair, I hardly told anyone about it until after I had forgiven my abuser. But now I look back on that time and I wished that more people would have been supportive. Once I told people, most people just suggested I go to therapy, which made me wonder why I had told anyone at all. Once again, I had just wanted people to provide me with emotional support and be there for me in my tough time, but again I wasn’t really given that by very many people. Again, it was very disappointing. I mean, if there’s ever a time when anyone would be in need, it would be that time, but only a few people reached out and were supportive (for which I’m thankful).

I have been healing from that, as well as from the lack of support from my network. During that healing time, all I could think about was my mentor and how he had always been there for me and how he had believed in me when nobody else did and had not wanted to give up on me. I thought of several instances in the past when he had been a real hard-times friend, in addition to this time.

So I reached out to him and we have been sorting out (unraveling) our issues. It was really rocky at times, but it’s mostly back on track now. We have made a huge amount of progress recently and I have faith that it’s only going to get better.

Meanwhile, I discovered that I had even more repressed memories from my early childhood. Not of sexual abuse, but of other unpleasant things that I had repressed. My new friend performed RTT hypnotherapy on me twice, which was very interesting and eye-opening. Because the two sessions turned out to be related, and fell under the umbrella of another early memory, I decided to combine the 21-day cycle for both of those sessions with a 21-day cycle of my own holistic healing method.

At first, it was a lot to handle to do 3 focused deep-healing recordings a day, but now I think it was just what I needed. I didn’t see many results at first, but now the results are just incredible to me. I mean, I am literally stunned. Read on!

First, in my business unraveling, I realized that my old business had been a key factor in how I had healed. I started to use good products on myself, put good products into my body, and had started to feel better about myself because I had looked and felt better. I had learned about pro-suming and financial ownership. I had a positive and motivational environment of people who said things like “I’m accountable for my own life and I can control my thoughts.” And I had my mentor who believed in me and loved me, poured life into me, and filled me up with hope. I began to miss this business and wish I could go back.

Second, in my personal healing, there was a weekend where I read an old issue of Cosmopolitan magazine from July 2016 and decided that there was nothing of value in it (this magazine used to literally be my beacon of wisdom!!!). Then I went on a weekend trip and discovered that I didn’t like traveling anymore because I just wanted to be home in Boston. Then I watched my all-time favorite movie, Titanic, and had to stop it halfway through because I just didn’t like it anymore and I didn’t agree with the way life was being presented in it.

So while I did “used to go there to eat toast,” I didn’t want to go there to eat toast anymore. I realized that I just couldn’t be the person that I used to be. In unraveling all of my confusion, I rediscovered the person that I used to be, but then I realized that I just wanted better than that. I wanted mentorship and I wanted more intentional relationships where people would be united with me for common business goals and who would also listen to me talk and be there for me in hard times.

Ironically, around this time I learned that submission is actually necessary for the type of close relationships that I want. In my deep healing, I was also working on overcoming that issue from where it stemmed in my childhood repressed memories.

Not only that, but I realized that I had been taking the easy way out instead of learning the relationship skills that I needed in order to have the kind of deep relationships that I want.

This was when I took my first step to get back into the organization (only about 1 week ago). I had a craving to be on the communication system and message distribution list. I also had a craving to learn submission and submit to my mentor.

Next, I found that I had no desire to cheat on my diet anymore. I had been cheating to eat cookies, brownies, cake, chocolate, etc. for some time, but I just didn’t want to do it anymore. I wanted to make sure I prioritized meal prep and ate healthily within the constrains of my diet.

Now, I have no desire to even have cheat meals or vary from my diet plan prescribed by the nutritionist. I realized that when I don’t start the day with enough protein, it sets off a chain reaction spiral, and then the whole diet is compromised. Also, that my lack of meal prepping made it easy for me to cheat and give into sugar cravings.

Now when I have sugar cravings, I crave the dried fruit at Trader Joe’s. So good! I don’t even want chocolate anymore.

Instead of craving unhealthy sweets and chocolate, I started craving to return to my organization and be around the people. I also had a craving for the positivity and motivational environment. Earlier today, I was overcome with a strong craving and desire to listen to audios, go to a board plan, and do meetings. I even was compelled to take extra vitamins. It’s so crazy!!! I have literally never felt this way about it before. This is the energy that I was missing.

So I don’t have everything sorted out yet. I feel pretty comfortable with how I’ve overcome most of my objections to the business, and I feel pretty solid with how my music relates to it. The next step is to figure out (unravel) the plan for how my writing goals fit in with this business. And while I’m stronger in who I am as a person now than I was, I need a game plan to make sure that I don’t lose myself again.

All that unraveling was so exhausting! But worth it.

For three years I had been in the business, learned all the new info, and reprogrammed my mind. However, it was apparent that my limiting beliefs were getting in the way of me accepting the new me and my new lifestyle. Hence, all the pushback that I gave myself over not wanting to make changes, not wanting to listen, not wanting to do this, not wanting to do that. All I needed was to do some deep thinking, unraveling, and holistic healing, and I realized that I did actually want all of it after all.

 

Advertisements

Withhold

Hi everyone,

I have a withhold that I need to address. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, a withhold is something that you need to give voice to that happened in the past, which you did not properly address at the time. It is a withhold because it has been affecting you and your life, and you eventually found out that you needed to speak up about it for your own sanity and well-being.

As a disclaimer, my goal here is not to rehash the past, or to blame anyone, but rather to share my feelings authentically and vulnerably about what occurred, with the hope that with this understanding of how it affected me and my feelings, then it would not be repeated again in the future.

The scene is May 2015, and I have just graduated with my master’s degree in geology (geothermal energy) from University of North Dakota. I have packed up all my belongings and I am now driving across the country from North Dakota to Nevada.

As I’m sitting in my car, I’m ruminating about how unsupported I feel from my entire network. I feel completely isolated and alone, not to mention completely unsupported.

For those of you unfamiliar with my story, I had not wanted to get my master’s degree in science; rather, I had wanted to get my master’s degree in music performance. However, after my junior recital at Penn State, my viola teacher had lost confidence in me and my playing. He asked me what I wanted to do after PSU, and I had said that I had wanted to go on and get my master’s degree in music performance and then go on to play music in pit orchestras on Broadway. This was my dream, I had told him, and I was very excited about it.

My teacher promptly told me to give up on my dream, because it sucked. He said that many people embarked on that kind of career with high hopes, but then quickly got tired of the long hours and low pay, and then could not afford to take time off to look for a different job. He didn’t want to see me “backed into a corner with my career,” so he told me to give up on music and become a geologist instead.

Ironically, with this very interaction, I already felt “backed into a corner with my career.” Without the support of my instructor, I didn’t feel either willing or able to pursue my career in music. So even though I was crushed, demoralized, and devastated, I followed his advice, moved to North Dakota, and got my master’s degree in geology.

Even though I liked geology and I liked my professors and colleagues at UND, I knew that this was not the right decision for me and that this was not what I wanted to do with my life. After the excitement of being in a new place with a new plan wore off, I began to really loathe my time in North Dakota. I didn’t feel like I belonged there in terms of the culture and values, and I didn’t feel authentic because I wasn’t following my heart and being creative.

After the incident at PSU, I all but gave up playing my instruments. I played viola in the Greater Grand Forks Symphony Orchestra, but this was only because my dad had encouraged me to join. In general, I felt very turned off to playing music and instruments and I didn’t want to do it anymore. Writing became my primary creative outlet, and my first summer in ND I wrote my first novel in its entirety.

After writing my novel, I often fantasized about quitting my degree program, moving home to Boston, working at Starbucks, and becoming a writer. However, whenever I shared these dreams and desires with others, I was always brutally rebuffed and unsupported. Without naming names, there were people that I called, so upset that I was crying, and I told them how much I hated my life, how much I hated the direction my life was taking, and how much I wanted to go home, start fresh, and be creative again. I even posted about my goals on Facebook, but people on there were very unsupportive of me and my plan. They told me I had to stay there in ND– even though I was completely miserable– finish my degree program, and “get my piece of paper.”

However, I knew that this would never be the end of it, and I was right. Because I felt again like I was backed into a corner and that I had to take everyone’s advice, I did stay in ND, I did finish my degree program, and I did get my piece of paper. But afterward, all I heard from those same people was that now I had to stay in ND and get a “high-paying geology job” and “use my degree” so that I could be responsible, take care of myself, and pay my bills.

I get it, I really do. As I now know from my adult experience as well as my research on the subject, the scarcity mindset is primarily developed from lack of financial abundance and resources. These people who were giving me this advice had learned themselves that they could not be creative, that they could not have fun, and that they had to be boring and logical to get a steady, high-paying job to pay their bills and be responsible adults. Similar to my viola teacher from PSU, these people had thought they were giving me kindly advice and words of wisdom to help me live a better life, but in fact, they were just telling me their own story of misfortune, not mine.

Going back to the people who did not support my decision to quit my degree program in ND, I understand that too. I understand that these people thought they were being loving, supportive, and helpful, by pushing me to finish what I had started and helping me be accountable to my end-goal of getting my master’s degree in science.

However, both of the above events were very detrimental to my health and well-being. This was a really hard time in my life, and I don’t feel that I received proper love, encouragement, or support from the people in my network. Also, I feel disappointed that most people didn’t even want to hear about my hard time, instead just wanting to be surface level friends. I have always done my best to be a “hard times friend,” so I felt hurt and let down when that favor was not returned.

Furthermore, I felt that the people who encouraged me to stay in ND afterward to pursue a high-paying geology job only cared about finances and financial well-being, at the expense of mentality, emotions, and physical well-being. I felt that they did not really understand me, my needs, my wants, or my desires, because they were just pushing me to continue on a path that I hated, which was not right for me, and which was making me have an autoimmune illness (lupus).

As a result, I felt lonely and like I didn’t have anyone to turn to during hard times that really cared about me and my well being. It caused me to withdraw from my network in isolation, because I didn’t trust others anymore. I began to lose faith in humanity and started grinding my teeth at night.

I felt that the people giving me this advice clearly didn’t know what was best for me, but that they were pushing their advice on me anyway and telling me that their way was valid and that my way was invalid. I felt that they were just saying that in order to be considered a valid adult, I had to be boring and logical and get a steady, high-paying job that I hated, just to pay my bills, just so that I would have a secure financial future, at the expense of my happiness and joy. I felt that they were telling me that it was valid to be logical and scientific, but invalid to be emotional and creative. I felt like my voice didn’t matter, my decisions and opinions were not good enough, and that I needed to change myself and my entire way of being to fit in with everyone and gain everyone’s approval.

However, now I know that this was wrong. There are many people who have become very wealthy and very successful being creative and following their passions. There are also many wealthy people who are silly and fun and who are also very successful in their businesses. And I will be one of them.

Not to mention, I deserve a network of people who support me in my decisions, regardless of the path that I choose to take and regardless of what I choose to do with my life and my time. The right people support my decisions to be creative and pursue a life filled with music, writing, fun, and laughter. I believe that I can have it all, and I deserve relationships with people who also believe that I can have it all.

By the way, I eventually did reconcile myself with the life that I wanted. I started by playing the piano again when I lived in Nevada, and after I moved back home to Boston I joined several orchestras and got back into playing my viola. Even though it was a lot of work to overcome my toxic music school experience, it was worth it because I now very much enjoy playing my viola again and I even very much enjoy performing for other people.

Also, I now work at Starbucks and I’m pursuing being a writer. Go me ūüôā

Anyway, that was my withhold. Thank you for listening to me and for giving me the opportunity to share myself authentically and vulnerably. I am excited for my future of business, creativity, fun, passion, and wealth, and I will be successful in my life just by being my true and authentic self. I hope that you will decide to honor me, respect me, and support me in all of my future endeavors, regardless of what they may be.

 

And… Pivot

Hey y’all,

It’s been awhile! So sorry for the long hiatus between posts. When I revamped this blog the last time (lol), I decided that I wanted to create weekly content to share with everyone. Not only was this the right decision in terms of consistency, but also more selfishly it was the right reason because:

  1. I needed to practice being vulnerable and authentic in front of other people,
  2. I needed to practice my communication and word choice, and
  3. I needed to take responsibility for filling my own love tank. While sharing myself– as well as my thoughts, feelings, and ideas– with other people is my love language, it’s my responsibility to give myself love.

Sorry that I fell short here. I have just added a part-time job over the summer as well as another part-time job that will be more long-term. In addition, I have been trying to honor my commitments to play gigs with heavy time commitments that I signed up for back when I was only working 15 hours per week, and trying not to die and/or kill someone as a result of suddenly being completely overextended and overbooked.

But, oh well. It’s all worth it! My finances are now in tip-top shape, and I no longer spend any time whatsoever ruminating about them. If that doesn’t give me the incentive to keep going, I don’t know what will.

Now, if only I could manage to adjust my body clock to fall asleep at 10 pm and wake up at 5 am, instead of falling asleep at 11 pm and waking up at 6 am, then I would really be golden. Unfortunately, this hasn’t happened yet and I’ve been 15 min late to work pretty much every day that I go. (Side note: I am pleasantly surprised by the number of people who have been understanding about this problem and have given me grace about it. So far, only a couple of people have not understood and have drawn the incorrect conclusion that me being late means that I don’t want to be there / I’m not serious / I’m not a good employee).

Anyway, I finally had an evening off where I wasn’t expected to do anything or be anywhere, so I figured I would post an update about how everything is going.

To summarize, I have been working to adjust my self-care priorities to accommodate the tighter schedule. It’s been quite a challenge, but I think once I get my sleep cycle on track then it will be a lot smoother/better.

One thing I have been thinking about lately is how to have more fun in my life. It occurred to me that I’ve changed myself so much that I don’t even know what I consider to be fun anymore. There are things that I¬†used to think were fun, but I don’t really think they’re fun anymore. I’ve been trying to find out which fun things from my past to bring back, versus which ones to leave behind and replace with new fun things (whatever they might be).

Today it occurred to me that the main reason that I don’t know how to have fun anymore is because I am constantly preoccupied with administrative tasks and adulting responsibilities. The reason I discovered this today was because I finally caught myself up on this huge mountain of paperwork and mail that I had been behind on, and then after it was done I had all this free time that I didn’t know what to do with at first. This lasted only a short time. Then I actually practiced my viola more than playing through my warm-up exercises. Then I read a book for an hour that I had been behind on reading. Then I took a walk and got a massage! So good. I really enjoyed that.

On top of all that, I have been slowly revamping my website towards my new business of teaching online courses, and have updated my bio here. I’ve been planning my outlines and syllabuses for the different courses and have started working on course writing and creation. I’m really excited about this new venture and I will share more details soon! I’m hoping to devote more time towards the course creation and filming this summer once my teaching is done in a couple of weeks.

So that’s it! That is the update in a nutshell. I’m really excited for all these changes coming – just need the time to work and prioritize and enjoy it ūüôā

How to Listen to Your Inner Voice to Find True Success and Happiness in Your Business and in Your Life

A year and a half ago, I remember leaving work early after a meeting because I suddenly was off-balance, extremely dizzy, couldn’t hear, and had persistent ringing in my right ear. When I went to the doctor, she told me that a virus was attacking both branches of the vestibular nerve in my inner ear, that was causing both the hearing damage and the vertigo. She said that my hearing could possibly return about a year later.

I waited about a year and a half, just to be safe. Then I went to a different doctor for a second opinion and next steps.¬† He diagnosed me with “labyrinthitis” and told me that he was pessimistic that my hearing would ever return. He said that something must have happened in my life that was a “deep insult” to my inner ear, to cause this problem.

I know exactly what that deep insult was. At the time, I was trying to make a business decision that went against both me and my values. I was trying to partner with people who didn’t like me, who wanted to change me to be just like them, and who were unfairly attacking me, blaming me, slandering my character, and being all around unsupportive. I thought that this was “the only way” to achieve my dreams, and because I wanted so badly to achieve my dreams, I was willing to do it.

I was vulnerable to attack because I had a lot of confusion about my work, my business, my values, and my beliefs, which was a consequence of hopping around to state after state and assimilating myself into different cultures and communities. I had lost myself and didn’t know who I was, what I valued or believed in, what I found meaningful or fun, or what I wanted to do with my life.

Ever since my inner ear was so deeply insulted, I have worked diligently to change my life around and to listen to myself and my inner voice. One year ago I packed my bags, moved across the country, and settled down to live back home in Boston. I also quit my corporate job about a month later to do music full-time. Since about a week ago when I started another job as a barista, I only worked 10-15 hours per week and I really used the rest of my time to focus on myself, my healing, and my self-care. I became stronger mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, though I’m not quite where I’d like to be with my faith. I chose to focus less on my current financial budget, because I had just gone through a very rough time period in my life and I needed time to recuperate and take care of myself properly and nurse myself back to health.

I also spent quite a bit of time building my business. I stopped working with the toxic people and found really amazing business partners who supported me, my values, and my beliefs. I invested quite a bit of my time, money, and energy into building my business, thinking that if I could just get it off the ground, then I would be “saved” financially.

I mean, we all know that person who started a business with $0 in income, who lived on their own and had debt collectors on their doorstep, and yet somehow managed to make it big and pay off all of their debts just in time before the last morsel of food was gone. I figured, if other people could do that, then so could I!

Hah! There is no guaranteed formula for success like that when you run your own business. For me, I was doing the work necessary to grow my business, but I didn’t see any business results. I believe now that I didn’t have the decided heart behind it because I wasn’t fully behind it. I had thought¬†that I was behind it, but I actually wasn’t. (Though now that I look back on it, I actually kind of did want it! It was very, very confusing – more on that later!!!!!). In any event, I wasn’t 100% committed and in alignment, so even though I was doing the work, I didn’t have any results.

Also, I literally felt like my business took over my entire life. The process I was following was very inefficient and time-consuming, but I again felt like following this proven method of building it was the answer. Part of it was that mentally I thought that it would save me from getting my short-term budget and finances on track, but the other part was that I literally didn’t even have time to think about getting another job; I was just spending all of my time building my business and not getting results.

Once I quit that opportunity a few months ago, I have really been working on getting my life on track. I have been unraveling all the knots of confusion and learning (re-learning) how to be myself. Yesterday, I reflected on how I would see myself if I were looking down from the outside. This is what I saw:

I saw someone who was truly worn out by life’s demands of time and money. Someone who wasn’t present in day-to-day activities because she was always stressing about money and finances, as well as stressing about time management (running late, not leaving early enough, traffic, route planning, scheduling, and making time for adulting responsibilities). All of this greatly took away from my focus and mindfulness in the moment, but the problem¬†was made even worse by constant intrusion – ruminating about relationship problems. In general, I saw someone who continually felt overburdened and worn out, stuck in a routine and not happy, and wishing that somehow life could be fun again.

Hence all of the hours I wasted each morning bed lingering, because all I wanted was peace, security, relaxation, and contentment, which were all noticeably absent from my life. Then the bed lingering would fuel the perpetually running late, which exacerbated the whole problem. As a result of this, I was truly not giving my best to my music students, or to my rehearsals, or to myself in general.

As a result of this, I decided to give my budget a makeover. I put fun things back in my budget, such as hot stone massages, weekly coffees, going out to eat, and seeing shows. I added things back into my budget to up my self-care to the next level, such as regular hair appointments and buying new clothes and shoes. I made a decision to work more hours so that I can afford these new things in my budget, which will not only bring me more money and financial security, but will also bring me more happiness, peace, relaxation, and contentment.

Next, I restructured my daily habits with the time left over from working longer hours and scheduling adulting responsibilities. I streamlined and picked the most important ones, so that I could still take care of myself mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I prioritized time on the weekends to build my businesses and to prioritize my success in the future.

Needless to say, as a result of this I feel a WHOLE lot better!!!! After just 1 day, I had WAY more focus in teaching my music lessons then I probably ever have. Also, it helps that my new job as a barista forces me to actually be present in the moment and requires all of my attention. But there you have it¬†ūüĎĆ

The take-home message here is that this isn’t even about¬†Louboutins – this is about properly taking care of yourself. This is about having fun. I love knowing that I control my own enjoyment in my life. The more I work, the harder I work, the smarter I work, and the more focused I work, the more money I can make, and the more I can provide for myself and make myself happy. It’s not even about anything overtly excessive. It means money to buy new clothes and shoes once they get worn out and have holes in them. It means money to get my hair cut to get rid of split ends. It means money to go out for coffee and have dinner with friends. It means money to treat myself to a hot stone massage once a month.

That isn’t to say that there aren’t some caveats here. There’s a difference between working to have more money to improve and make a positive difference in your lifestyle, and working ALL the time PLUS spending every moment of every day obsessing about money and bills, therefore still not being present in the moment or being able to invest in your relationships.

There’s also a difference between working a job you love and working a job you hate. One of the things that confused me about my old opportunity was the way that they labeled people into “process” and “outcome” focused people. In their point of view, they preferred to work a job they hated so that it would “give them the life that they loved.” They equated it to “shoveling wet horse manure” to get the life they loved. They would also say that they only wanted to work with outcome-focused people, but then insist that everyone follow the same exact process to get to the same outcome.

However, I just don’t see it that way in black and white (or maybe I feel that both the process and the outcome are important). I believe that the process impacts the outcome. If you “shovel wet horse manure” to get the life that you love, you might have a lot of money and expensive things. You might have more time back to spend with your loved ones because the shitty (excuse the pun) job pays more. But you still have to spend however much time shoveling the wet horse manure. Unless you enjoy that process, then you’re still spending a significant amount of time doing something each day that you hate. This leaks into your happiness and mentality, which then takes away from the outcome that you’re trying to create.

On the other hand, “find a job you love, and you will never work a day in your life.” I agree with that and stand by it. It’s important to love what you do and find passion in doing it, so that you can enjoy the part of life that is the process of achieving your ultimate outcomes and goals. Plus, there is more than one process to get to each outcome, so you should pick the process that is the most direct and that makes you the happiest. Only then can you have true enjoyment of your life in both the present and the future.

Which is why I now earn money as a music teacher, musician, and barista. All things I am passionate about and love, all things that I enjoy doing in the moment, and all things that serve me and my current budget. These are not my ultimate long-term goals, but this is why I’ve prioritized time to spend working on my new business.

Right now my new business is just an idea in my head. I need time to actually work on creating my product, my marketing strategy, ironing out all the kinks, etc. I think once I have the chance to really work on it like I want to, feel solid on the path of righteousness for my future, and feel like I can be successful at the same time as being myself, then my hearing will return. It’s unraveling the confusion, finding my way out of the labyrinth, and back into health, peace, prosperity, and security, that my inner voice really wants.

Values-Based Decisions

One of the things I have struggled with for pretty much my whole life has been authenticity and strength of will. One reason for this is that I am very open-minded to other people, other ways of life, and other cultures… perhaps¬†too open-minded. In many of my travels, I have encountered people and ways of life that I learned from; then, I have adopted many conflicting beliefs and values into my life as a result. This resulted in a gargantuan amount of confusion that I have been trying to sort out for the past year or so.

The other reason is that for most of my life, I have felt pressured to change myself to please other people. Even to this day, I struggle with sharing myself, my beliefs, and my opinions with others. I’m afraid that other people will laugh at me, tell me that I’m stupid, and say that I’m completely wrong and that in order to be valid, I have to switch over and agree with them/their method/their viewpoint. Therefore for most of my life, I have changed myself, my personality, and my beliefs/values to fit in and be accepted by others.

In one of my online courses, I am studying the chakras and learning how to balance them. This past week, we defined our top values, so as to balance our solar plexus chakras. I had a really hard time with this exercise, based on my past, but I came up with the following for my top values:

1) Individuality/Uniqueness

I believe strongly in the individual. I believe that everyone should have the opportunity to be different, be authentic, be themselves, and be accepted for doing so. People should be honest about their truths and share themselves vulnerably with others, so as to receive emotional support back.

2) Intelligence

I really enjoy both the learning and the application parts of knowledge. Researching, studying new information, looking deep within myself, and then growing myself. I also enjoy using the new information to do critical thinking, problem solving, and planning. Change means making a smart decision and then taking action!

3) Creativity/Fun

I am a very creative person because I play two instruments and write. Not only that, but I love coming up with creative ideas and solutions to think outside of the box.

4) Love of all people

Not only do I love all people based on their individuality and uniqueness, as well as their special skillsets and talents, but also I advocate for equal rights of all people and equality in friendships/relationships. I believe that friendship is the best kind of relationship because it is equal in definition.

Furthermore, I am a very loyal friend. I will stick by anyone who does me a kind favor, especially when I am having a very rough time. I will also pay it forward and do my best to help others whenever I can.

5) Personal Accomplishment

I have many dreams and ambitions, both personal and professional. To me, success means accomplishing my goals, achieving some measure of financial success in my businesses, and working hard with grit and endurance.

6) Health and Self-Care

I am very much into healthy living and self-care in all areas (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, financial, and tasks/chores/responsibilities). I want to be successful in my life at the same time as taking good care of myself. Never sacrificing one for the other.

 

So the secret to having a strong will is to live completely by your values system. Every decision that you make should be made by your values.

Here are some decisions I’ve made recently:

  1. Leaving my old business to build my new business
  2. “Getting back together” with my mentor

I decided to leave my old business opportunity because I didn’t feel that it was authentic to me. Now, I can clearly see why. In that business model, uniformity was valued so that you could “duplicate” your business into a large-scale model. That meant that there was no room for individuality, uniqueness, or creativity. Not only that, but they were big on “submission” and “following the established process,” which meant that neither intelligence nor equal relationships were valued. Finally, many people who built that business to a successful level did so by sacrificing their health, as well as other important things like family and relationships. The only thing that I did value that they valued also was in the area of personal accomplishment, but even that was not entirely the same because I want to be personally accomplished specifically in the fields of writing and music.

So, leaving the business was the right decision, though it was a very hard decision to make. I now know that I am better off on my new path of online teaching and course creation. My new pathway agrees with all of my values. My offering is unique and showcases my individuality. The process involves me using both my intelligence and creativity to make my online course. I can love on all types of people with my product, as well as be personally accomplished. I can still prioritize my health and self-care as I am becoming successful, and there is nobody there to pressure me into feeling bad about that decision.

Now, clearly from my last two posts, I was struggling hard-core with leaving my mentor. I just was not happy with that decision and I didn’t know why. I actually have a really good understanding of it now though. I couldn’t, in good conscience, leave a really good person who had been there to help me during one of the lowest points in my life. Someone who had invested so much time into me and helped me completely recalibrate my life and my relationships. Someone who had poured belief into me even when nobody else did. I just couldn’t do it. It felt very disloyal and against my values.

Luckily, he and I were able to chat about what had happened. Turns out, there was a pretty large miscommunication and we were able to sort everything out to be friends. We have talked pretty much every day from the time we made that decision, and I literally feel so much better and so much more at ease.

He doesn’t know this yet, but I’m planning a way to give back to him in the future to show my loyalty and gratitude for what he has done for me and my life. I don’t have all the details sorted out yet, but I’m hoping it will make him really happy. Because that’s all I want.

Triggers

Frustrated, I set down my pen and notebook. I rubbed my temples in agitation, unsure that I would ever find a suitable solution to my problem. I had just been thinking critically for the past three hours about my “breakup” with my former mentor, but I had yet to make any headway.

In my last post, I had discussed how my relationship with my former mentor had ended. I had divulged how I had experienced severe relational anxiety, triggering, and backsliding in this relationship, which had only served to make everything worse. Today, I will articulate those triggers in more detail. I will talk about what causes us to be “triggered,” what causes us to regress or backslide, how we can take control of it, and how we can use what we learn from it to prevent similar situations from happening again in the future (or from ruining perfectly good relationships).

One thing I want to start off by mentioning is that backsliding is completely normal and natural – it can happen to anyone, regardless of what healing method is used. Backsliding is neither something to feel scared of, nor ashamed about. It’s neither something to run away from, nor something to hide from. Whenever you change something about yourself, you will naturally spend a long period of time adjusting to your new mindset, action, or behavior. In this adjustment period, there’s a high likelihood that something could trigger you, which would cause you to temporarily backslide as you fully work through all of your issues.

Relationships, in particular, are a huge landmine for backsliding. Many of our hurts, hangups, and battle scars originate from the way we were treated in our previous relationships. Because of this, it is very easy to judge new relationships based on old experiences. My relationship with my mentor was no exception.

Though none of us are completely exempt from the possibility of backsliding, there are several steps we can take to minimize the damage when it does happen.

Step #1: Do some good, old-fashioned¬†critical thinking. Define what the problem is in your current relationship and how it makes you feel. Practice emotional granulation to have a clearer understanding of how you feel. (For example, instead of just saying that you feel “bad,” say that you feel “humiliated” or “unloved” or “disrespected.”

Pro tip: stay away from settling on the word “angry.” Anger is a secondary emotion, meaning that it is usually a cover-up for a deeper set of emotions that requires extra strength and vulnerability to dive into and process. Anger can be a good starting point, but is not a good finishing point.)

Step #2: Define the cause of your problem – both in your current circumstances, as well as from your past. What does your current situation remind you of from your past? When was the last time you felt your current set of feelings? When was the first time you felt your current set of feelings? Once you can clearly pinpoint the source/origin of your triggers, then you will fully understand why you are so upset in your current situation.

Step #3: Practice true empathy. Look at the situation from the other person’s point of view. Look through the other person’s lens and see if that changes your feelings in any way. In any event, it will help you to disperse anger and facilitate forgiveness.

Step #4: Define your goals and standards. Even if you see the situation through the other person’s lens and are able to forgive him or her, that does not necessarily mean that the relationship should continue or that you should reconcile. Come up with standards for the relationship that are realistic and that make you feel safe, secure, and protected. Hone in on the things that you yourself need to work on and improve to fix the situation. Once you are aware of your own triggers and patterns, this will help prevent backsliding in the future.

Step #5: Come up with the best possible solution that works for both people. In a loving, committed, and long-term relationship, both people should want to make an effort to do things that make their partner happy. Furthermore, both people should be willing to put in the effort to work on and improve the relationship.

When communicating your feelings to your partner, simply state “I feel…..” and “I need…” Even though you can’t¬†make your partner change or do something different, it doesn’t hurt to ask. If the answer is a hard no and the other person makes no effort to improve the situation over a long period of time, then you may need to re-evaluate your goals and standards and see if this is the right relationship for you.

In my case, I needed to take a break from my relationship to truly understand what was going on. Once I could think with a clear head about the situation, I realized that there were really four issues at play that were causing me to have anxiety about my relationship:

  1. Leaving my mentorship organization
  2. Submission
  3. Codependency
  4. Caring more

First, I was unhappy with the organization itself. As a Hindu Liberal, I felt out of place in a Christian Conservative organization. I felt like I couldn’t be myself there, or that the person I am was not accepted there. In addition, I didn’t think that the business model was the best or most effective way for me to reach my goals. I just felt very unfulfilled doing the work, and could not see myself doing it for the rest of my life. At the same time, I was very worried that if I left the organization, I would lose my relationship with my mentor.

Second, I was unhappy with the dynamic of my relationship with my mentor. As is typical of many mentor/mentee relationships, I was expected to “submit” to my mentor as a sign of respect for his teaching and coaching. Any time I asked him for advice, I was expected to follow it. If I didn’t follow it, then it was implied that he would spend less time investing into me and would instead focus on helping the people who always followed his advice.

Luckily, my mentor and I did see eye-to-eye on many things, so more often than not it was a nonissue. But for the times that we did disagree, I was tired of having to argue my point to no end, with my opinion being completely disregarded, rejected, and invalidated every time. I was tired of being told that I “just didn’t understand his viewpoint, and I would change my mind when I did.” I felt like he was downplaying my insight and intelligence when he said those things to me. There were many things that I did understand and just didn’t agree with, but this was not valued or taken seriously. On the whole, I just felt very disrespected and like I was not being treated as an equal.

Third, I realized that my contribution to this problem was that I was struggling with issues of codependency. Because I had generally been deprived of emotional support for the majority of my life, I had started to rely on my mentor to fill this need. Once I discovered this, I knew that codependency was largely not okay with me. Instead, I set out to fill my own needs. After a few months of regular blogging, journaling, and affirmations, I now feel like I’m more independent and that I don’t need anyone else to make me happy. I have myself covered.

Perhaps the most surprising insight of all from all of this was that after I solved my issue of codependency, I realized that even though I didn’t¬†need my mentor to be there for me emotionally, I still truly¬†wanted him to be there for me. Whenever I had a breakthrough on my healing journey, my first thought was that I just really wanted to share it with him. Not only that, but I found myself really missing his personality, his energy, and his spirit.

While I still don’t have the answer that I’m looking for, I’m hoping that this situation will resolve itself over time. For the time being, I feel content with the fact that I have done everything I could to understand, rectify, and fix the situation on my end. The rest is in God’s hands.

The takeaway here is that lasting, healthy change takes time, and making mistakes is human. There is no reason to feel bad or to beat yourself up about backsliding. What’s important is not that you get everything perfectly right on the first try, but rather that you keep trying no matter what. If you address your triggers properly and correctly, they are great indicators of personal feedback and show us where we should continue to work on and improve ourselves for the future.

 

I Deserve Better

In the past couple of days, I have made great strides in overcoming my “breakup.” I have to say “breakup,” with quotation marks, because this was not a romantic relationship. Rather, I’m referring to my relationship with my former mentor. Even though there was no romantic interest or romance involved, I found the end to this relationship to be even more devastating than the end to any of my previous romantic relationships. Here’s why.

Before, I had talked about how I felt like I didn’t fit into the culture of my old organization, nor did I feel like the business model was right for me. All of this was true. However, even though I felt that way, I couldn’t bring myself to leave the organization because of my mentor.

For the majority of my life, I had prayed to meet someone who would want to listen to me talk about my feelings, thoughts, and ideas all the time. I prayed for someone who would not only eagerly listen to me, but who would then go on to support me, comfort me, and offer me sage advice that I could then use to improve my life.

My mentor was that person for me.

Not only that, but I truly enjoyed his company. We both shared a love of music, writing, and creativity. We both shared the same sense of humor and jokes. We both cared about overcoming, healing, and making a difference in our own lives so that we could go out there and make a difference in the lives of others. We both wanted to do something great with our lives and achieve lasting greatness, legacy, and impact.

But mainly, I enjoyed his spirit. I have never met anyone who was more giving, selfless, and kind. I have never met anyone who was more gentle, caring, and understanding. I have never met anyone whose presence was so calming, soothing, and peaceful. And I have certainly never met anyone with so many great relationships across the board (spouse, children, family, friends, mentors, mentees).

Yet I didn’t want to stay in the organization, and I knew it. But I also knew that if I left, that would change everything about the relationship. Because I was dealing with re-establishing myself in the music scene in MA, growing my music studio and my monthly income, as well as becoming aware of deep trauma that had occurred in my early childhood, at the time I was not prepared to lose the one source of stability that I had in my life.

I had already lost the other source of stability I had in my life – his wife. To be fair, I had tried very hard to become great friends with her. One of my strengths is that I am very skilled at building new relationships with others, but she was always resistant and unreceptive to building a good relationship with me. She didn’t like my method of building relationships, but when I asked her for feedback, she was unable to provide me with a different way. She always discouraged me to share myself with her, didn’t want to share herself back with me, and didn’t want to help me through any of my struggles. Eventually, she told me that she just didn’t want to communicate with me until I had completely resolved my struggles. So she turned out to be a Fair Weather Friend who had abandoned me in my time of need, not a Hard Times Friend who stuck it out, and therefore I lost the motivation to work on our relationship.

Anyway, for many months I struggled through all of the multifarious issues that I faced at the time. I had a lot on my plate, and I was unable to take on any more. I needed to remove something, stat. Yet due to the magnitude and scope of everything I was dealing with, my difficulty managing negative emotions in conflicts, and my propensity towards an aggressive, rather than assertive communication style, much of my anger and overwhelmed feelings were projected onto my mentor. Not only that, but I was constantly being triggered back into scarcity mindset because I feared that leaving the organization meant losing the relationship; also, I was triggered because the submissive style of the mentor/mentee relationship reminded me of the toxic and abusive relationships from my past.

Yet despite my anger, attacks, and demands, most of which I was unaware of doing (in scarcity mindset, that’s a normal way of talking when you’re upset), he did not tell me that I was hurting him and/or draining him of energy every time I was triggered and slipped back into scarcity mindset. Instead, what happened was that I kept calling meetings that were designed to discuss something that would remove an item from my emotional plate and free up my capacity, for example my thoughts about whether or not to leave the organization. Then, he would derail the meeting to try to teach me about handling conflict correctly in relationships, or tell me that it was my responsibility to make a decision to abruptly change my mindset from scarcity back into abundance (It’s not possible to make a decision like that in scarcity – that’s an abundance trait. Changing the mindset back from scarcity to abundance takes a LOT of effort and work). I would become annoyed that my meeting was being derailed and my time wasted, because with his hectic schedule, meetings don’t grow on trees. Then I would have to wait another week or two for another meeting, where the same thing would happen, so I was getting very frustrated and annoyed that no progress was being made over months. This only served to worsen my anxiety about the relationship.

Eventually, I figured out that he kept derailing the meetings because I was hurting him. Once I asked him if this was true, then he started being more forthcoming about how he felt. Yet, as part of the mentor/mentee relationship setup, mentors are discouraged from sharing their emotions and hurt feelings with their mentees. Yet, I would have responded QUITE differently to him if he had just told me the truth. The last thing I wanted was to hurt the person I cared about most, so I would have done anything to make amends and fix it.

After awhile, he got tired of our unproductive meetings, as well. But instead of having an honest conversation with me about it and working with me to fix the problem, he just avoided scheduling any more meetings with me and did not explain to me what was going on. Again, this only served to worsen my anxiety.

Around this time, I had made a decision to leave the organization. I was working on extricating myself from the different forums, events, etc. and had scheduled my membership cancellations. I was starting to research alternative methods of achieving my business goals.

At this point, I felt that the relationship with my mentor was in serious jeopardy, but he blew off every single request I made for a meeting. Not only that, but he responded to my messages way less frequently, as well as reneged on his promise to help me with my anxiety and emotional struggles. He started classifying my mindset every time I spoke to him and put me into an “abundance” bucket vs “scarcity” bucket; from there, he would refuse to take me seriously whenever I was in scarcity. He started saying, just like his wife had, that it wasn’t his role to help me with transitioning my scarcity mindset back into abundance mindset and that I needed to go to therapy before we could have a good relationship. Yet whenever I called him out that he was also abandoning me in my time of emotional need, just like his wife had, then he would get defensive and say that I was being “unfair,” and that that was not what was happening.

For awhile, we were trying to repurpose our relationship from mentor/mentee into friend/friend. However, we were advised from multiple people who had tried to help us that it would never work. I wanted friendship, equality, and emotional support, and he wanted to push me hard to overcome my past and become successful to share my story onstage. Even though I had told him that I was leaving the organization and had no plans to return, he thought I just “didn’t understand” his perspective and that I would “change my mind” later on. Yet I did understand, and he didn’t accept or acknowledge that.

Finally, a few weeks ago, he stopped responding to my messages completely. Like his wife, he had made the decision to become a Fair Weather Friend. Unlike his wife, he had not made his position clear. For someone who had always told me that my communication was not very good, his was quite lacking as well. At least I made an effort to clearly state what I needed and where I was at with the relationship, which he did not.

For weeks (months), I have been mourning what I knew was the inevitable loss of this relationship. I have been eating chocolate, buying the huge cookies at Barnes and Noble, watching romantic comedies, and singing/playing breakup songs. But yesterday something dawned on me that would completely change my focus:

I deserve better.

That’s right! I deserve better. Even though my former mentor is a wonderful person who did so much to help me, and who wanted so badly to see me succeed, I deserve to be treated with love and respect ALL of the time, not just some of the time.

This is what I deserve:

1. I deserve to be treated as an equal in a relationship.

I am not a fan of the mentor/mentee submissive type of relationship, and I never will be. I deserve equality. I deserve to be involved in making decisions about the relationship, not kept in the dark about decisions that he made by himself that affect me. Not only that, but my opinions and ideas should not be rejected merely because I lack the exact same 20 years of experience in the field. Everyone’s opinions and ideas deserve respect, because not everyone knows everything and people have different skill sets, talents, and perspectives that they bring to the table. Finally, my healing journey is my business and mine alone. I don’t have to take anyone’s suggestions that I go to therapy, because I have my own healing method that I prefer (and which works better for me than therapy).

2. I deserve to be loved and accepted for where I’m at.

It is inappropriate, not to mention unrealistic, to expect that you can just “hand someone over” to a therapist and immediately have a mindset problem “fixed.” Healing takes time, and therapy is not for everyone. With this attitude, he and his wife made me feel like there was something eternally wrong with me, that I was damaged goods, and that I was unworthy of associating with them. They made me feel like I had to “fix myself” before I would be worthy of their relationship.

Not only that, but they completely disregarded and did not recognize any of the growth or progress that I made in overcoming negative emotions and handling conflict. They kept telling me to change, work on, and improve those things, but then they didn’t even notice when I did.

3. I deserve to be respected for where I’m at.

Even if I slip back into scarcity mindset temporarily, I still deserve respect. People should not be classifying me into a “scarcity” vs “abundance” buckets and then deciding whether or not to take me, and the things I say, seriously.

4. I deserve Hard Times Friends, not Fair Weather Friends.

Part of friendship means helping people when they are not strong, not abandoning them until they are “fixed” or “healed.”

5. I deserve someone who wold prioritize an important phone call in their busy schedule when our relationship is in jeopardy.

Enough said.

6. I deserve someone who would take responsibility and ownership for the things that he did to contribute to the problem, instead of completely blaming the problem on me, my shortcomings, and my circumstances.

I tried many times to explain to him the things that he did that caused me anxiety, but he didn’t take me seriously and accused me of blaming him for my anxiety. The things that he did included, but were not limited to: sparse and inconsistent responses to my messages, taking a long time (or refusing) to set up meetings, derailing my meetings, not taking action to solve our relationship problems, not treating me like an equal, not respecting me while in scarcity mindset, and not being honest with me about his feelings.

I deserve a relationship where the other person is equally invested in fixing the problems. Someone who would understand and see his part of the problem, think of solutions, and work to compromise and correct the issue. Someone who would apologize for what he did wrong and then work to make amends with me.

7. I deserve someone who is able to be vulnerable enough to tell me that I’ve hurt him, or that I’ve drained him of energy, and tells me directly what he needs from me.

I’m not a mind reader. I can get pretty close to mind-reading when I talk to someone on the phone or in person, but it is damned near impossible via text or online. I constantly felt like he expected me to read his mind and understand what he was thinking and feeling, instead of doing the work himself, being vulnerable, and sharing his heart. Instead of just simply sharing his point of view, I always felt like I had to complete a full-on scavenger hunt through his messages for clues, and then spend hours piecing it all together into a point of view that I didn’t even know whether or not would be accurate. This was not something I even had the ability to do when I was in the depths of limited capacity and scarcity mindset.

 

So that’s it! I deserve better, and I am looking forward to finding better in the future.

 

Presence

The other day, I was walking through Barnes and Noble when I felt a Spiritual Intuition. I followed the feeling, letting it guide me around the store, not sure where it was taking me. Suddenly, I found myself standing in front of the journals section.

I picked up journal after journal, trying to figure out what I was supposed to do, see, or find. At last, I found it: the Mindfulness Journal.

Intrigued, I picked it up and brought it home with me. I am so glad I did!

For some time now, I have felt unable to be present in The Moment. My mind always seems to be preoccupied with something or other, whether it’s planning for the future, thinking about the past, thinking about current issues, etc. I find that I am often too distracted, too weighed down, and too overwhelmed by life’s demands in the Big Picture, to have fun and be present in The Moment.

This might seem a bit strange, because for those of you who have known me awhile, you’ll remember that I used to be extremely present in The Moment. I used to be very present, very able to enjoy myself, very spontaneous, and very able to relax.

All of that changed once I finished school and needed to find a job. Suddenly, I had to worry about long-term and short-term finances, errands, chores, to-do lists, cleaning, and administrative work. I had to worry about being early, commuting, and traffic patterns. I had to worry about eating healthy and meal-prepping. Not to mention, I had to worry about all the components of proper self-care, including physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

As someone who eternally struggled with time management and planning, I really did not like this aspect of adult life. Yet I realized that my poor time management skills and poor planning skills needed to change, because they resulted in me being eternally late for every appointment and they resulted in tasks continually falling through the cracks because I couldn’t do everything by myself.

These days, I am proud to say that I have Become a Master of Time Management. Yet in spite of that, I feel that I need to elevate my standard of mastery in this area even higher. I need to master time management even further, such that I can both take care of myself and my responsibilities, as well as relax and enjoy the moment.

This insight came directly from following the prompts in the Mindfulness Journal. The first exercise it had me do was to turn off my phone (!) and other devices (!!) for 1 hour. Then I had to write down everything I had observed.

The results were so startling!! I took a walk in my neighborhood. I noticed businesses, shops, and boutiques that I had never seen before (despite passing by them literally every day). Without my iPod on, I noticed the sounds of the birds chirping and the cars whizzing past. When I went to CVS, I actually browsed the store and saw what was there, aside from the item that I needed. I even was present while I was waiting in the checkout line.

Takeaway #1: Technology is VERY distracting. I am going to start putting my devices on airplane mode in the morning until I actually need to interact with other people.

Next, the Mindfulness Journal told me to observe and describe a moment that I was fully present. I chose to do this at my last orchestra concert.

Again, I was only “mindful” for about 1 hour for the first half of the concert. I was again very startled at the results of this experiment.

This time, I didn’t just notice things like the fact that I was extremely focused in playing my part of the music, that I was actually playing to the audience, that I was actually enjoying how the whole thing sounded overall, and that my concentration was so much better that it had reduced 98% of my playing errors. This time, I noticed and was aware every time my mind started to wander.

What did I think about in that hour? A whole wide range of topics:

  • How I didn’t have work the next day so I didn’t need to think about preparing for that.
  • The chores I needed to do this weekend.
  • Summer finances.
  • My recent “breakup.”
  • My life in Nevada (my old apartment, sunshine, warmth, my friends there, Trader Joe’s) (??? wtf lol)
  • How I “suck” at time management and how I don’t respect myself because I don’t follow my own schedules.
  • How maybe I should be more In The Moment, because I do want to be fun, creative, and carefree, and words really do matter. Do I really need to focus on body language as much??
  • If I change myself again (change myself back), then I don’t know what personality type my future husband will have.

!!! Wow. That’s all I have to say.

Takeaway #2: I don’t think I even knew that I spent so much time thinking about all these different things, but apparently things like that run through my head all the time and I don’t even notice.

No wonder my ear lost its hearing.

Anyway, after that experiment was over, I had a weekend of very deep thought and planning. I did my grocery shopping at Trader Joe’s instead of Wegman’s, and I discovered that it’s a lot less expensive and it has my fruits and nuts mixture that I realized I had missed. I tweaked my schedule to include more flexibility and relaxation time. One of the main reasons I didn’t like following my own schedules is that by nature, I’m a spontaneous person, and I don’t like feeling over-structured. I decided to have my morning and work routine be structured, but then have my evenings always be relaxed and spontaneous. I also added time on the weekends to plan for variances in my schedule in the coming week, so I can accommodate for them and not have things fall through the cracks. Finally, I added time each day where I can just think about my feelings and emotions. Maybe now, with better planning and strategy, I will be able to be more present.

Managing Negative Emotions: A Breakthrough and A Realization

Guys, today was a super important day in my life. Not only did I just have a HUGE breakthrough, but I also had a really important realization as well.

The Breakthrough
For many months now, I have been working on the way that I process and manage negative emotions. I have been trying to learn how to do it in a more effective manner. Due to my personality type (bossy controlling impatient domineering choleric, efficient, and leading), I have always had trouble maintaining mutual respect in disagreements. With my ability to be frank, direct, and to-the-point, I would immediately enter into attack mode in a disagreement and give the other person a piece of my mind whenever I felt hurt, unloved, disrespected, attacked, and/or criticized. Unfortunately, the anger and the emotional haze I felt would frequently result in very harsh feedback that would sound hurtful, unloving, disrespectful, attacking, and criticizing to the recipient. (Interestingly, I subconsciously made the other person feel as terrible as I felt in the conflict).

I always wondered why we were never taught in school how to manage negative emotions correctly. Along with “Money 101: The Skinny on Budgeting and Finances,” “How to Avoid Getting Scammed in Legal Contract Writing,” and “How to Actually Earn Money in this Sh*t Economy,” the courses titled “Loving People Through Conflict” and “Managing Negative Emotions Correctly” were noticeably absent from the curriculum. If these topics were actually taught to people in school, there would be a lot less A) alcoholics, B) drug addicts, C) people who eat their feelings, D) people who don’t eat their feelings, and E) people who don’t f*ck up all their relationships from needing to release their anger. Among other things.

Not only were we not taught how to manage negative emotions correctly in school, but it didn’t seem like anyone else knew how to do it either. Until I met my mentors in my former program, I didn’t know a single person who could actually manage their negative emotions correctly or who could love someone else through a conflict.

In my research on this subject, including some books and online courses, I have already learned some invaluable information about how to overcome these negative emotions.

Step #1: Release the emotion

For me, I have thought of several ways to do this that do not involve lashing out in anger at an actual person:

  • The best way is definitely¬†critical thinking, if you have time to do it. This process can take anywhere from 30 minute to 2 hours depending on the complexity of the emotions involved. More often than not, it’s just not feasible to exit a conversation for that long.
  • For smaller amounts of time, depending on if you can, you can do some strength training, power walking, yoga, etc. Again, this is not always feasible due to your location and weather, as well as timing.
  • Another location-dependent one for me is playing piano. This one really helps me (but, I need a piano handy).
  • If you can take a 5-15 minute breather from the conversation, what works best is to b*tch it out by yourself. Either speak into thin air or write it down, but let the person have it (although, they will not be there to receive it).
  • For on-the-spot treatment, I’ve found the best way is to carry squishy desk ornaments in my purse. It feels GREAT to dig my nails into them when I’m pissed off. If I’m at home, I then start using my Chinese stress balls to relax. This can be done mid-conversation if necessary. Then I take some deep breaths, work to calm my facial muscles, calm my throat, and try to have empathy.

Step #2: Understand the Emotion

  • Again,¬†critical thinking is by far the best. I would marry it if I could.
  • Have index cards handy that have your patterns laid out in front of you. Instead of becoming angry, demanding, and controlling next, what do you really want? What need are you trying to have met? How else can you meet it?

For me, when I become angry, demanding, and controlling, usually it’s because I feel unloved and I need emotional attention. I can meet that need myself by 1) talking to God and the Universe, or 2) writing in this blog (which do you think I picked today? lol).

  • Just think about it. Why are you so upset right now? What is this triggering? What does this remind you of from your past?

 

Today, I am very proud of myself for what I accomplished. I was having a conversation over text where I became upset. Because I was at home, I practiced piano and released my anger. As I was practicing, I started thinking my way through the emotion. I started asking myself, “Ok. WHY am I so upset right now? What is this reminding me of?”

And then I had my answer. I responded to the person in a very calm and respectful way. Then I filled my own love tank by writing in this blog ūüôā

My whole processing time for the negative emotions and the response was 30 minutes. Progress over perfection! This small victory only added on to my really important realization earlier in the day.

The Realization
Not only did I not know how to process and manage my negative emotions in the context of conflict situations, but also I would have the same problem when I would deal with very strong emotions by myself in dealing with anxiety and panic.

As mentioned above, my primary need to fill my love tank is emotional attention. What I would do in the past was just dump my emotional load on anybody and everybody who would listen, with no warning or no consideration for what they were doing. All I could think about was that I FELT horrible, and I just needed someone else to listen to me so that I would feel better.

Understandably, most people became so tired of this that they stopped talking to me and stopped offering to give me emotional support. I drew the conclusion that all people sucked, didn’t want to give emotional support, and didn’t value vulnerability and authenticity in relationships.

The issue with this was not that I wanted to share myself with others. It was not that I was being vulnerable and authentic. It was just that I was sharing myself with no consideration for others, therefore making others feel like I was using them for emotional attention.

I have since learned not to use people as an emotional dumping ground. Now, I see emotional sharing as a negative deposit in the relationship, because it is something that I want to gain from the relationship instead of something that I am giving to the relationship. The only way to have a good relationship is to give more than you receive back. I have begun investing more of myself in my relationships in general to really show people that I care about them. The emotional sharing conversation itself has to be built in a mutual manner to the point where the timing is right and the other person will be receptive to hearing about the emotional pain. This is the right way to go about emotional sharing and support.

Not only that, but I have realized that most people actually DO value vulnerability and authenticity in a relationship. In fact, most people PREFER their friends and family to be vulnerable and authentic. It’s just, the sharing has to be done in the right way for it to work.

I no longer have to stay silent on issues that bother me or hurt me so as not to offend or disrespect anybody. I no longer have to feel isolated and alone. I no longer have to pretend that I’m ok when I’m totally not. I am SO GLAD that I had this realization.

The Breakup Transition Period

Hey guys! It has definitely been a minute since I last posted. Sorry! I have been dealing with a colossal amount of stress recently, so I have not had the opportunity to post.

A large amount of the stress I’ve been feeling has come from a distinct¬†lack of alignment in my life.¬†For some time now (re: a LONG time), I have felt distinctly unsettled in my life. Ever since I moved back to Massachusetts from Nevada, I have been trying to sort out my beliefs and values systems so that I can live my life in full alignment with myself. For those of you who have known me for a long time, you know that in my past I have adapted to my surroundings in an effort to fit in and be liked by everyone. This resulted in me changing myself, my values, my beliefs, and my personality approximately 50,000 times, which gained the respect of absolutely nobody that I was trying to change myself to gain approval from. Thus when I lived in Nevada for 3 years, I picked up some West Coast values that distinctly conflicted (as in… head-on CLASHED) with my East Coast values and upbringing. In moving back home, I have over time tried to find a happy medium between my old and new beliefs, which has proven to be more difficult than I thought.

One of the places that I felt the most pushback and conflict was from my business that I started in Nevada. Despite working hard at it and following the system for 2.75 years and drastically changing my mindset and overcoming so much in my life, I have not been able to generate actual business results and growth. After giving considerable thought as to why this was the case, I determined that even though I generally liked and supported the business model, the work, and the outcome of doing the work, I felt very unfulfilled doing it. The whole time, I had an undecided heart about whether or not it was right, so consequently, none of my hard work actually paid off.

There were two reasons why it was not right.

Reason #1: my authentic self did not fit in with the organization’s culture. BIG TIME! I stick out like a sore thumb. No wonder at times I wanted to kill people over their beliefs and not the follow advice and perspective given to me (heh).

Reason #2: Despite liking the business model, it was not the best fit business model for me. In following this business model, I felt continually strapped for time, wishing I had 10 personal assistants to take care of chores, errands, and administrative work, because I was not willing/able to put my music and creativity on the back burner in order to build my business.

So was trying to do both music and business at the same time, feeling completely overwhelmed, and torn apart in two different directions. Not only two different directions in terms of businesses, but also two different directions in terms of East Coast vs West Coast and trying not to die of internal confusion.

I took a week and did some serious soul-searching. I asked myself what I could do for my life’s work that I would find truly fulfilling on all levels. Something that would truly make me proud and want to scream it from the rooftops so that everyone hears it. My why is still the same – I still stand for pursuing your creative passions and mentoring people in their personal lives so that they can overcome to become. I still believe in cultivating a mindset and lifestyle of abundance in all areas, because everything is possible if you just believe it. Long story short, my external identifying purpose has not changed, but rather the internal process and mechanism has changed. I have now found a new pathway to success that will allow me to realize my goals and ambitions in a streamlined, more unified business model, which is in full alignment with myself, my purpose, my values and beliefs.

As a result, I have enrolled in some online business courses to learn the ropes of the new business model, as well as some online trainings to help prepare me for what I want to do next. It is very exciting time to be learning again and trying something new! I am really enjoying it and already have much more clarity about my new (old; authentic; resurrected) business goals and aspirations.

However, with my recent decision, I am currently in a transition period between my old opportunity and my new opportunity. I have been trying to sort between old relationships and new relationships, old communities and new communities, old daily habits and new daily habits, and old goals and new goals. I have been trying to decide what to keep, what to ditch, and what to resurrect (things that I had ditched at one point but now want to bring back).

In particular, I feel badly that I stopped investing in my personal relationships during the time I spent in my old opportunity. I was definitely not the friend to most people that I know I could have been. Thus I have resolved to invest more time and energy in my current relationships and actually be a good friend again. I’m very sorry if I have hurt anyone or if anyone felt ignored during the time that I was not an active participant in your life. Please forgive me! I promise I will do better this time around.

Anyway, the more of my ducks that I get in a row, the better I feel and the less anxiety I have. But not everything is aligned quite yet and I feel like I’m in the middle of a very messy breakup. (I definitely have NOT been eating chocolate, cookies, and peanut butter, or watching Titanic and crying, or singing/accompanying myself on “Think of Me” from¬†Phantom nonstop….). It’s very difficult and emotional to leave an opportunity, a community, and people you have been with for 3 years. There were a lot of great aspects of that opportunity. There was a lot that I learned, a lot that I gained, and a lot that I hoped that I would learn from it in the future. Right now I have to mentally release a bunch of unreleased potential for that opportunity and shift that potential over to my new opportunity.

Some people don’t understand. They think that I’m completely off my rocker and that I’m making a huge mistake. They think that I won’t be successful in my new opportunity. I know that they’re only saying those things to me and taking that attitude because they’re upset that they had invested so much time and energy into me to make me a star, and now I’m letting them down. But I have to stop pretending to be something I’m not. I have to stop trying to fit in with people and with an opportunity that goes against what I believe fundamentally¬†to be right. Right now, I am making the best choice and the best decision for me. If that means I have to lose people who are very important to me, then so be it. I will be upset, and continue eating chocolate, and continue singing¬†Phantom, but it will be for the best. Friends for a reason, friends for a season, friends for a lifetime. Which will it be?