Hey guys! It has definitely been a minute since I last posted. Sorry! I have been dealing with a colossal amount of stress recently, so I have not had the opportunity to post.
A large amount of the stress I’ve been feeling has come from a distinct lack of alignment in my life. For some time now (re: a LONG time), I have felt distinctly unsettled in my life. Ever since I moved back to Massachusetts from Nevada, I have been trying to sort out my beliefs and values systems so that I can live my life in full alignment with myself. For those of you who have known me for a long time, you know that in my past I have adapted to my surroundings in an effort to fit in and be liked by everyone. This resulted in me changing myself, my values, my beliefs, and my personality approximately 50,000 times, which gained the respect of absolutely nobody that I was trying to change myself to gain approval from. Thus when I lived in Nevada for 3 years, I picked up some West Coast values that distinctly conflicted (as in… head-on CLASHED) with my East Coast values and upbringing. In moving back home, I have over time tried to find a happy medium between my old and new beliefs, which has proven to be more difficult than I thought.
One of the places that I felt the most pushback and conflict was from my business that I started in Nevada. Despite working hard at it and following the system for 2.75 years and drastically changing my mindset and overcoming so much in my life, I have not been able to generate actual business results and growth. After giving considerable thought as to why this was the case, I determined that even though I generally liked and supported the business model, the work, and the outcome of doing the work, I felt very unfulfilled doing it. The whole time, I had an undecided heart about whether or not it was right, so consequently, none of my hard work actually paid off.
There were two reasons why it was not right.
Reason #1: my authentic self did not fit in with the organization’s culture. BIG TIME! I stick out like a sore thumb. No wonder at times I wanted to kill people over their beliefs and not the follow advice and perspective given to me (heh).
Reason #2: Despite liking the business model, it was not the best fit business model for me. In following this business model, I felt continually strapped for time, wishing I had 10 personal assistants to take care of chores, errands, and administrative work, because I was not willing/able to put my music and creativity on the back burner in order to build my business.
So was trying to do both music and business at the same time, feeling completely overwhelmed, and torn apart in two different directions. Not only two different directions in terms of businesses, but also two different directions in terms of East Coast vs West Coast and trying not to die of internal confusion.
I took a week and did some serious soul-searching. I asked myself what I could do for my life’s work that I would find truly fulfilling on all levels. Something that would truly make me proud and want to scream it from the rooftops so that everyone hears it. My why is still the same – I still stand for pursuing your creative passions and mentoring people in their personal lives so that they can overcome to become. I still believe in cultivating a mindset and lifestyle of abundance in all areas, because everything is possible if you just believe it. Long story short, my external identifying purpose has not changed, but rather the internal process and mechanism has changed. I have now found a new pathway to success that will allow me to realize my goals and ambitions in a streamlined, more unified business model, which is in full alignment with myself, my purpose, my values and beliefs.
As a result, I have enrolled in some online business courses to learn the ropes of the new business model, as well as some online trainings to help prepare me for what I want to do next. It is very exciting time to be learning again and trying something new! I am really enjoying it and already have much more clarity about my new (old; authentic; resurrected) business goals and aspirations.
However, with my recent decision, I am currently in a transition period between my old opportunity and my new opportunity. I have been trying to sort between old relationships and new relationships, old communities and new communities, old daily habits and new daily habits, and old goals and new goals. I have been trying to decide what to keep, what to ditch, and what to resurrect (things that I had ditched at one point but now want to bring back).
In particular, I feel badly that I stopped investing in my personal relationships during the time I spent in my old opportunity. I was definitely not the friend to most people that I know I could have been. Thus I have resolved to invest more time and energy in my current relationships and actually be a good friend again. I’m very sorry if I have hurt anyone or if anyone felt ignored during the time that I was not an active participant in your life. Please forgive me! I promise I will do better this time around.
Anyway, the more of my ducks that I get in a row, the better I feel and the less anxiety I have. But not everything is aligned quite yet and I feel like I’m in the middle of a very messy breakup. (I definitely have NOT been eating chocolate, cookies, and peanut butter, or watching Titanic and crying, or singing/accompanying myself on “Think of Me” from Phantom nonstop….). It’s very difficult and emotional to leave an opportunity, a community, and people you have been with for 3 years. There were a lot of great aspects of that opportunity. There was a lot that I learned, a lot that I gained, and a lot that I hoped that I would learn from it in the future. Right now I have to mentally release a bunch of unreleased potential for that opportunity and shift that potential over to my new opportunity.
Some people don’t understand. They think that I’m completely off my rocker and that I’m making a huge mistake. They think that I won’t be successful in my new opportunity. I know that they’re only saying those things to me and taking that attitude because they’re upset that they had invested so much time and energy into me to make me a star, and now I’m letting them down. But I have to stop pretending to be something I’m not. I have to stop trying to fit in with people and with an opportunity that goes against what I believe fundamentally to be right. Right now, I am making the best choice and the best decision for me. If that means I have to lose people who are very important to me, then so be it. I will be upset, and continue eating chocolate, and continue singing Phantom, but it will be for the best. Friends for a reason, friends for a season, friends for a lifetime. Which will it be?